My expectations towards movies tend to go down when it comes to certain genres. Girls with guns is one of them. I don't expect great characters and I certainly don't expect Academy Award, masterpiece writing. Originality comes second to action so for movies like Colombiana, I simply won't treat it as art. But what I do expect is fun and a basic, building storyline that follows the hollywood plot structure. Too bad this film is just a continuous loop of shitty writing.
The story starts with an unnecessarily long exposition. It tries to set up the stage for a revenge film but it just drags on and on. To make a long story short, a little girl's parents are betrayed by a gang boss and are killed. The girl moves to Chicago where she asks her uncle to train her to become a killer. The writers could've really condensed the plot of this film or even, the editors could've cut down the movie's running time.
Now when we finally see the adult version of our protagonist, things actually improve for a bit. The jail scene is what I like to call it and it's the best scene in the whole movie. It introduces the protagonist as an intelligent and stealthy badass and convinces the audience that she can do what she's meant to do: kill people. This was quite entertaining.
Then we're introduced to Zoe Saldana's boyfriend whose name I've forgotten (we'll get to the crappy characters later) and they have a little romantic moment. I didn't know how this subplot contributed to the main story...but then we moved on to Zoe Saldana killing more people. Unfortunately, this action sequence is the typical fat guy lying in bed with two prostitues while the protagonist takes down the guards. We've seen it before in the video game Hitman and it's all boring...and soon stupid.
Zoe points a gun at her target and says, "it doesn't matter who I am." Wait, what? This is the perfect example of how stupid the dialogue is in this film. Of course it's important who she is. Imagine if Inigo Montoya killed Count Rugen without identifying himself. The most important thing about revenge is that you're getting back at someone and letting them know that they've got what they deserved. But hey, that line sounded pretty cool in the trailers right? Zoe Saldana says, "I'm not going to kill you," as she shoots the glass floor and her target falls into the shark pool. No, Zoe. That's killing someone. Batman leaving Liam Neeson in a falling train is "not killing" someone but deliberately shooting the glass floor so that your target falls into a pool of sharks IS indeed, killing someone. But hey, that sounded cool in the trailers right?
So naturally Zoe goes back to...her boyfriend. They have sex and we get to see some nudity and...now I see the reason behind this boyfriend character's existence. The audience needs nudity. After the nudity Zoe has a conflict with her boyfriend because he feels as if he doesn't know her that well. Obviously Zoe has being hiding her true self because she's a super efficient killer. But then...why have a boyfriend? Oh right, nudity. Of course.
Then Zoe goes to kill another target. Then she comes back for more sex. Then she goes to kill another target. Then she comes back for the sex. Do you see what I mean when I say that this movie is a loop? It's just killing and having sex and killing and having sex over and over again. This isn't building anything.
More stupid writing: the cops are incredibly stupid in this film. They conveniently wait for Zoe to kill 23 people before starting to do something about it. And all the while Zoe's Uncle tells Zoe she's going to draw attention to the family (you think?) Zoe's pretty cool with that until shit gets down and she drops to her knees and cries, "I didn't know!" (I laughed) You didn't know? What about the fact that you've been told multiple times that this would happen?
Anyway, moving on to finishing this half-assed review. Finally, in the climactic scene Zoe goes for her last target, her last revenge. But by this time, we're tired of seeing the routine. This scene sucks harder than any other scene. It is proof that this movie just went in loops instead of building a story. The whole movie's just a flat line. The characters are either stupid or unnecessary and the dialogue they share is either stupid or unnecessary. Avoid this movie - it fails as an action film!
